Every Story is a Love Story
by Draco's Daughter
Summary: Pt 6: The Secret origin of the Jester is revealed as well as what led to the downfall of Smaug in The Hobbit.
1. Every Story is a Love Story

Every Story is a Love Story

by

Draco's Daughter

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine.

A/N: Dreams are powerful tools, eh? This story was born of a dream I had. The italicsdenote the change to the story instead of Eldarion'sbedroom and vise-versa.Enjoy!

Legolas: I'm afraid...

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"Legolas, are you sure that you can handle Eldarion for the night?" Aragorn asked, confronting the elf that would be "babysitting" his son.

"Don't worry; I think I can handle a six-year old half-elf. You and Arwen go on! Have fun, do whatever royalty in disguise does," Legolas replied, waving his friend away with a graceful hand.

"Alright, we'll be back around Midnight. Have fun," Aragorn said, pulling up the hood of his ranger cape and walking out of the palace through a servant's entrance to catch up with his wife. Legolas stretched out for a moment before heading up to Eldarion's room. The prince was sitting alone in his sleeping tunic, playing with a stuffed warg. Legolas whirled into the room with only his head showing through the door frame.

"Hello little prince!" He said in a chipper voice. Eldarion turned and gave his babysitter a large smile that usually meant trouble. Legolas came fully into the room and sat down across from Eldarion. "Nearly bed time squirt. Whatcha wanna do?"

"Uhhhhhh. Can I have a story?" Eldairon asked, showing Legolas his cutest face in his arsenal. Legolas thought for a moment.

"Hmmm, what kind of story then, squirt?" Legolas asked, ruffling Eldarion's hair and pulling a laugh out of the child.

"I guess the first one you can come up with," Eldarion replied, snuggling the stuffed warg.

"Hop in bed while I think," Legolas said, standing up and turning down Eladrion's covers. The prince gladly hopped and snuggled down while the elf tucked his charge in. He pulled up a chair and sat down by Eldarion's bed. "Now, this is one of my favorite stories. Once I'm finished, I'll let you decide if it happened or not. Okay here we go...

Once upon a time...

In a kindgon far away, so far you can't imagine the distance, there lived a princess in a castle. This princess, who was named Arwen,

"_Hey! That's my mom's name!" Eldarion announced happily. _

"You very cleaver, now shadup!" Legolas replied,shushing Eldarion.

was adored by all but she always felt alone and left out. The only person that was her friend was the mysterious court jester who seemed to have strange abilities.

_"What kind of abilities?" Eldarion asked, playfully. _

"You'll see. Now, do not interrupt me or I'll never get through the story before your parents come home!" Legolas said, giving Eldarion a small whack on the head.

Now, the princess's father, called Elrond, was something of a tyrant and never let Arwen have any suitors. The jester was the only one who dared to try and even get Arwen out of the castle to see some suitable bachelors. Nothing ever worked. One day, Elrond became fed up with the Jester's attempts.

"You foul creature! You defy my divine right to choose my son-in-law! For that you shall be punished with the torture of a thousand lashes!" Elrond roared at the jester.

"I am not disposed of so easily, your royal pain. Your daughter will be married," replied the jester, whirling his cloak around himself and disappearing within its folds. This trick sent Elrond into a frenzy.

"Search the grounds and the surrounding forest! Find that jester! I want his head on a silver platter!" Yelled the vicious king Elrond, sending out the guards. "I want Arwen locked into the turret room so that she may never see another man again."

Before the king's guards could either find the jester or wall Arwen into the tower, the jester in question was waiting in Arwen's chambers to speak with her. As she smiled to see him, he looked grim.

"My princess, I've grave news for you. Your father plans to make sure you never see another man again and wants be dead. We've not much time but I've got a plan, in a few days there will be a prince come to this land and I will make sure you meet with him. For now, you must keep on your toes and stay in your father's favor. I will help you along the way, for now I will be in hiding," the jester said before turning into a great golden eagle and flying out of the window.

"Please! Don't go," Arwen said to her friend, reaching out for the bird. Her only true friend was gone.

Days passed and Arwen endured her punishment. She wished to know where her jester friend had gone and she wished to know when he was returning with the prince he promised. Without knowing it, the prince was closer than Arwen thought. Our jester friend was still unfound by Elrond and was scheming to get the prince and Arwen together. Slowly he began to piece together a way to see them together. The jester came back to visit Arwen to tell her of his plans. He used his golden eagle form to enter the tower through the only window.

"My friend! I am glad to see you again!" Arwen announced as the jester took his regular form again.

"Your prince is near, my princess. In a few nights I will trick your father into injuring me and causing the prince to speak with me. Ready yourself princess, your prince shall be with you in two days," the jester said, kissing Arwen's forehead before tuning back into an eagle and leaving. Arwen's heart was too joyful to miss his presence.

The next day the jester sat atop Arwen's tower, playing upon the spire. His clear voice attracted the attention of palace guards and even king Elrond.

"What are you!" Shouted Elrond, confused and bewildered by the antics of a man who looked similar to his jester, with blonde hair and eyes like ice.

"I am the representation of everything good in this world! I am the force that makes winter turn into spring! I am the son of the earth and sky! I am everything that you are not!" Yelled the playful jester back to his former master. Without warning, Elrond used his incredible eyebrows of doom to shoot the jester off the tower's spire and into the forest beyond the castle. The jester landed right at the feet of the prince he had been talking about for so long.

"Ello, mum. Am I in heaven?" He asked before passing out.

"Well, that was interesting. What should we do with him, Aragorn?" asked the dwarf that had been traveling with the prince.

"We shall make sure that he lives to see another day, dear Gimli! Once he is awakened I shall ask what happened to him," replied the ever-heroic prince Aragorn.

_"Wait a minute!" Eldarion began. _

"What did I say about interruptions?" Legolas warned. Eldarion stopped his question and allowed Legolas to continue the story.

So the two began to make camp and care for the stranger that had fallen out of the sky. One the jester was recovered, he first saw Gimli.

"You sure are short and ugly for a Prince Charming, but I guess you'll do," he said, attempting to take the dwarf to the palace.

"Excuse me, Aragon's the only prince here!" The dwarf complained, pulling his arm out of the jester's grasp.

"Oh, oops! Sorry!" The jester said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Tis alright. I can forgive mistakes. Please, explain why you are looking for a price 'charming'," The mighty prince Aragorn said, motioning for the jester to sit.

"Well, my princess has a very tyrannical father. He refuses to allow her to marry. I need you to scale the tower in which she is imprisoned and set her free. Her father can only be swayed by a warrior such as yourself. Please say you'll help?" The jester said, using a cute face to help sway the honorable prince Aragorn.

"I know that Tyranny of love is dangerous to one's health. I will aid your Princess," the honorable prince Aragon said. The jester was so overjoyed he gave the Prince a big hug.

That night Prince Aragorn scaled the wall with the help of his dwarf friend and the jester. Upon seeing the Princess Arwen they both fell madly in love with one another. So then they defeated Elrond's evil eyebrows of doom with Gimli's beard of righteousness! After that there was a very large wedding and coronation of the new King and Queen. At the wedding feast, all praised king Aragorn but he and queen Arwen could only praise the jester whom had aided them.

The jester was never seen again after that. Some say that he and the dwarf traveled together for a time, but no one really knows where they both went after the defeat of king Elrond. But whenever someone is in need of a prince or princess "charming", the jester will be there to get them together and defeat the witch-character that stands in their way...

"The end," Legolas finished, reclining back in the chair.

"So the Jester was never seen again after the wedding?" Eldarion asked, still caught up in the story.

"It was the strangest thing, he didn't even stick around to see the wedding. No one knows where he is now, only the dwarf," Legolas replied.

"That was an insane story. It never happened," Eldarion said, snuggling down into the covers with his stuffed warg.

"You're too smart for me, g'night squirt," Legolas said, placing the chair back into its original position and beginning to head out the door.

"Legolas? Why did you tell me a love story? I was hoping for an action tale," Eldarion said, giving a mock-pout.

"Every story is a love story, squirt," Legolas replied, blowing out Eldarion's candle and heading out the door, shutting it behind him.

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Well? What do you think? Good, bad, ugly? No flames please. This took me about four hours to complete after sleeping in till one. Well, night people...


	2. Fortune Favors the Bold

Every Story is a Love Story

by

Draco's Daughter

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, not me. All original characters belong to moi (if there are any...)

A/N: Well, the first of the Court Jester's stories really took off so I'm writing another one. I got the name of Eowyn and Faramir's daughter off of Council of in the Rohirric name translator... so there!

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Story 2: Fortune Favors the Brave

The day after Legolas's first woven tale about his jester, Eldarion went to find the elf prince and brought along Eowyn and Faramir's daughter, Áhéawa, along with him. The said prince was found high in a tree on the outskirts of the city. He was singing a song in a clear voice, attracting some of Gondor's most available women.

"Twas then I met a pretty lass, she said her name was Nell... what rhymes with Nell?" Legolas asked, putting a slender hand over his face to think.

"Hey, Eldar, how do you get a blond elf out of a tree?" Áhéawa asked, nudging Eldarion in the rips with her elbow.

"I don't know," Eldarion replied, rubbing the spot where her elbow had come in contact with his ribs.

"Yell his name out at him," Áhéawa replied. Eldarion smiled before:

"Leeeeeeegolllllllllaaaaaaaaaasss!" Eldarion yelled. The elf in question fell out of his tree and gathered gasps from the gathered women. Legolas quickly hopped up and brushed himself off.

"I'm alright! What's the problem squirt?" Legolas asked, walking over to stand in front of Eldarion and Áhéawa.

"We wanna hear another story about the Jester guy," Eldarion said, smiling an extremely large smile that usually got him his way. Legolas looked lost in thought for a moment.

"Okay, I'll tell you another story. Come on, let's go somewhere more private," Legolas said, looking over his shoulder at his unwelcome female audience. This caused Eldarion and Áhéawa to giggle as the three headed off to the gardens of the Houses of Healing. When they got there, Legolas lifted the two children onto a sturdy branch of a tree and then climbed up himself. "Okay, so you know the one about the evil king with Eyebrows of doom who attempted to make his daughter live out a life of chastity. Now you both shall learn of a princess who wasn't allowed to fight."

Once Upon a Time...

Long ago, there was a king and a queen. But when the queen became pregnant and gave birth, she died from the effort for her children were twins.

"That's silly; women don't just DIE after having kids!" Áhéawa complained.

"They can and they do, now hush so I can tell the story!" Legolas replied, glaring at Áhéawa.

The king was heartbroken and shortly followed his wife in death. He left the twins to his brother who then became the king. He was annoyed at them and wished that he hadn't of been made to swear to his brother on his death bed that he would care for the two children. Twenty years later, things began to change.

_"Hey now! If the daddy was dead, shouldn't the son be king?" Eldarion asked. _

"Um. He's not of age for kingship yet! Yeah, that's right..." Legolas replied, smiling nervously. "Now, no more interruptions!"

So that the son could not become king, his uncle sent him to become the Third Marshall of the Riddermark. His sister was forced to work in the palace. Now, her uncle was obsessed with his looks and every day asked his palantir:

"Palantir, Palantir in my hand, who is fairest in all the land?" He would ask, holding the Palantir in his long-nailed hands. The face of Saruman the wise, freaky, geneticist White Wizard.

"According to my dark lord Sauron, the fairest in the land is that weird Court Jester, followed by your niece, Eowyn, and then there's you. Bye now, Sauron's calling me!" Saruman said, squealing like a teenaged groupie.

"That was... weird. I shall have to have that jester done away with! But because I don't know where said jester is located, I shall do away with my step-daughter! Send for Aragorn the Ranger!" Yelled Theoden.

_"Hang on a minute! Last time Aragorn was a prince! What happened?" Eldarion asked, pouting. _

"Well, this story is different, so there!" Legolas said, looking smug. "Now, shadup!"

Soon after Theoden sent for Aragorn, the ranger arrived in all his greasy glory! He dripped mud on the floor and smelled as if he hadn't of bathed in weeks.

"You summoned for me, milord?" He asked, bowing low to the king.

"Yes, well. My niece must be done away with. I trust you can do it? As proof I want her heart," Theoden said.

"Alright, I'll do it," Aragorn replied. He left the throne room and quickly made friends with Eowyn as they walked into the dense forest known as Fangorn. The Ranger took pity upon Eowyn because she was ranting about not being able to fight like her brother and so on and so forth. Even though he was annoyed with her, he still wanted her to live and battle the evil Theoden to restore her brother to the throne.

"Look, I was sent to kill you. I don't want to now so how about you running away and trying to survive in Fangorn," Aragorn said, motioning for Eowyn to run.

"I guess I can take the kindness of a total stranger. But tell me who sent you first," Eowyn replied, putting her hands on her hips.

"Your uncle," Aragorn replied. Eowyn gasped and started running away. Aragorn waved as she left. Soon he went and killed a pig to present its heart to Theoden. Theoden fried it up and ate it on the spot. Aragorn had seen orcs do worse so he collected his cash and went away. Eowyn wandered around Fangorn Forest for a while, getting freaked out by walking, talking trees and orcs from Isenguard. By sheer luck, she ran into the conveniently placed cottage. Throwing all caution to the wind, she entered and looked around. By the state of things, this cottage belonged to two people, one a complete slob and the other was some kind of elf. She ate of their food and became sleepy, so she slept in the elf's bed, seeing as it was just her size. At that time, the two occupants decided to come home.

"High ho! High ho! It's home from work we go!" Sang the court jester, his belled clothing jingling for he skipped home. His dwarf friend, Gimli trailed behind him.

"You know, Jester, if you don't stop singing that song, I shall find the whore you are singing about and make sure she knows of your appetite," Gimli said to his friend. The jester immediately shut up until they reached the door of their home.

"Gimli! Doth thou seeth what I seeth? The dooreth to our cottage hath been opened!" The Jester said, pointing with his long finger.

"I see, Laddie. You don't have to talk like an old Shakespearian actor to me," Gimli replied, giving the jester a whack on the head with his axe.

"Let us go inside our home carefully and see what caused this anomaly," The jester said, walking up to the cottage while drawing his bow and arrow. Gimli pulled his axe into an attack position as they went into their house. When they reached the only bedroom and saw Eowyn asleep, they lowered their weapons. "Well, I didn't expect a woman thief."

"Goofy elf! So, what do we do with her?" Gimli asked the Jester. Said jester thought for a moment.

"Let's ravish her!" The Jester said, feeling a bit starved for sex.

"Jester! This is supposed to be a G fic! Gah!" Gimli said as he hit the jester over the head repeatedly with his axe. This activity woke Eowyn up with a scream. She then saw what was going on.

"Hey, aren't there supposed to be seven of you guys?" She asked, pointing to Gimli and the Jester. They stopped chasing each other to speak with the woman.

"Well, the others decided it would be fun to go and talk with Elrond and save Middle-earth or something like that," The jester replied.

"I guess that's... uh... good. Listen, my uncle is trying to kill me, can I stay with you two?" Eowyn asked, giving the two males the ultimate puppy dog pout.

"Eru! I've only seen Frodo to one that cute! Alright, you can stay," Gimli said, shading his eyes from Eowyn's attack. So Eowyn was allowed to stay, for the next few days, the three got to know one another and the cottage became cleaner that when it was first built.

Back at the palace, King Theoden was once again worried about his looks so he once again consulted the Palantir.

"Palantir, Palantir in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?" He asked. Once again Saruman appeared.

"The Jester still reins supreme and Eowyn right behind him. You are still last," Saruman replied before leaving once again.

"WHHAAAAAAATTT! GET ME THE WITCH KING OF AGMAR!" Theoden yelled, tossing his Palantir away like a child with its toy. The Ringwraith appeared in a cloud of black smoke. Instead of wearing his usual back robes, he wore a bath robe. Instead of his mace, he carried a scrubber and a rubber ducky. He also wore a shower cap and was covered in suds.

"What is your problem, Theoden! I was in the shower!" He replied, looking extremely cross at the Rohirric king. Theoden was also shocked at the Ringwraith's appearance.

"I need a problem taken care of. My niece Eowyn must die so that I can be the second prettiest. If you can find him, you must also destroy the Court Jester who is the first prettiest," Theoden explained. The leader of the nine grumbled as he snapped his fingers and his regular clothing and effects appeared before setting out to find Eowyn. When he went outside the palace, he whistled and his fell beast appeared with a loud roar. Wordlessly, he hopped onto the beast and flew off, looking for Eowyn.

At the same time, the jester and Gimli were getting ready to head out to work again. They were lecturing Eowyn on the dangers of the forest.

"Now, there may not be Giant Spiders, but there are orcs and wargs here so be on your guard, keep a sword by your side at all times just in case," The jester said, looking very scholarly even though he wore his regular jester's clothing.

"And make sure you don't open the door to any strangers, lassie. If it's not me or the Jester, DO NOT open the door, bye now, lass. We'll be back at five," Gimli added, before walking off with the Jester in tow. Eowyn waved them goodbye before going back in and starting to clean up the mess of breakfast. At that moment, there was a knock on the door.

"Who's there?" She asked through the door.

"Pretty laces to sell! Fine laces to sell!" Was the chipper yet chilling reply. Now, Eowyn was fond of clothing to an extent and opened the door. The lace-seller was none other than the Witchking Ringwraith who had attempted to dress up as a woman. He carried a basket of stay-laces. Eowyn quickly sifted through the basket to find a lace. When she finally found one to match the dress she was wearing, she paid the strange "lady". "Would you like for me to put them on you?" He asked.

"Yeah, why not," Eowyn replied, handing the Witchking the lace. The Witchking gladly laced her up, he did it very tight though so Eowyn couldn't breathe. She then fell over passed out.

_"Wait, how did the witchking get that outfit?" Áhéawa asked, stopping the story again. _

"The peddler who sold me my boots," Legolas replied, glaring at the girl yet again.

"Shhhh, Áhéawa! I wanna hear the story!" Eldarion said, putting a finger to his lips.

Fortunately, the jester was coming home to get his hat, which he had forgot that morning. For everyone knows that a jester cannot function without his belled hat. When he saw Eowyn laying there on the front stoop, he knew that trouble was afoot. He noticed that the stay laces were a bit too tight so he loosened them, allowing Eowyn to breath.

"What happened?" He asked, helping Eowyn to sit up.

"There was a strange woman selling laces so I had to buy one. When she put it on me, she put it on far too tight and I could not breathe," Eowyn explained.

"I thought Gims made it clear that you weren't to open the door unless it was either me or him," The Jester said, looking cross with Eowyn.

"I'm sorry! I won't do it again, promise!" Eowyn relied. The Jester was quick to forgive as he got his hat and headed back off to work.

Later that day, in Rohan, Theoden was once again consulting his Palantir.

"Palantir, Palantir in my hand, who is fairest in all the land?" He asked, again he saw Saruman's face, looking strangely annoyed at the Rohirric king.

"The Jester reins still, as does Eowyn, then there is you, got it! Bye! I've got company over!" Saruman yelled at the stone.

"Who is it, Sauro?" Asked the Witchking.

"No one, just an idiotic Rohirric king wanting to know who the prettiest is," Saruman yelled back.

"Hang on, let me talk to the Witchking," Theoden said, looking very angry.

"Alright, but make it quick. The Palantir bill is killing me!" Saruman said, hading the stone over to the Witchking.

"Why is Eowyn STILL ALIVE AND PRETTIER THAN ME!" Theoden roared at his hit man.

"Well, I had her suffocated with some stay-laces I guess someone came along who was able to undo a Ringwraith knot," was the witchking's reply.

"Go and FINISH THE JOB!" Theoden roared again.

"Take a chill pill, man! I'll do it tomorrow, right now Middle-earth Survivor is on and I want to see who gets voted off tonight," The Witchking replied, hanging up. Theoden had a hissy fit that night.

The next day, The Jester and Gimli were about to leave for work.

"Don't worry about making dinner tonight. We're picking up some Hobbit cooking at the Green Dragon tonight," The Jester said, hyper.

"Remember, DON'T open the door UNLESS it's me or the Jester, goodbye," Gimli said, starting off, the jester kissed Eowyn's hand before jogging after the dwarf. Eowyn giggle merrily before entering into the cottage and locking the door behind her.

"Apples to sell, fine apples to sell!" Came a chipper but chilling voice. This time, Eowyn peeked out of the window. Yet again there stood the Witchking in a raggedy dress. Eowyn was cautious this time, just opening the window.

"May I see these fine apples?" Eowyn asked. The witchking sat his basket of apples onto the window seal.

"May I suggest this apple for the pretty lady, free of charge," said the sly Witchking. Eowyn took the apple that the Witchking offered her and took a bite out of it. Suddenly, it got stuck in her throat and she fell over, unconscious. "HA! I win!" The witchking then dropped the basket and stripped out of the dress he wore over his robes before skipping off.

Later that evening, The Jester and the Dwarf were returning with the Hobbit cookin. The Jester couldn't be trusted with it for he was prone to eat it before they reached the cottage.

"Just a bite! Come one Gimli!" The Jester pined, pulling every trick out of his book.

"No! Not one bite until we reach home!" Gimli replied, holing the bag tightly. Finally, they reached the cottage to see Eowyn sprawled on the kitchen, dead.

"By Illuvatar! Who could have done this?" The Jester asked, checking for pulse and finding none.

"It was her uncle, I'm sure of it! Well, no sense in just leaving her here. Let's build a coffin for her," Gimli said, going to fetch the finest crystal from the Glittering Caves. And build a coffin they did. They set it in the very heart of Fangorn so that anyone who dared come see a thing of pure beauty. The Jester kept watch so that no orcs or wargs would disturb the coffin. Day in and day out, he sat watch over the coffin. One day a ranger by the name of Faramir came riding through the forest and saw the coffin.

"Hello, what's this?" He asked, looking at Eowyn through the crystal.

"Be thou demon or mortal, I shall slay thee if thou darest disturb this coffin," The jester said, aiming his bow at Faramir. The ranger quickly put his hands up in a submissive gesture. The Jester lowered his bow and hopped from his tree to face the ranger Faramir face-to-face.

"Who is this maiden?" Faramir asked.

"She is the lady Eowyn of Rohan," The Jester replied, a single tear trickling from his clear, blue eyes.

"What would it cost me to take her to Gondor so that her beauty can be admired by all the people there?" Faramir asked.

"How much you got?" The Jester asked.

"Seven Golden Pieces," Faramir replied. The Jester thought for a moment before whistling. Gimli came trotting from the cottage in record time.

"What laddie?" He asked.

"This guy wants to take Eowyn to Gondor so that more people can see her beauty, he's got seven golden pieces. Should we do it?" The Jester asked.

"Eh, why not. It's a good deal, heck, we'll even transport her for ya," Gimli replied. Faramir smiled a huge smile as he gave the pair seven golden pieces. The elf and the dwarf each picked up and end of the coffin and started carrying it out of Fangorn. As they walked, Gimli accidentally tripped and let his end of the coffin fall. That one act sent the piece of apple flying out of Eowyn's mouth and thus reviving her.

And so, Eowyn and Faramir got married, the Jester and the Dwarf left for friendlier woods and other great tales. As for the Witchking and Theoden, they got into a fight and Theoden ended up dead while Eomer became king. Later on, Eowyn executed her revenge on the Witchking and successfully killing him.

"The End," Legolas finished. Eldarion and Áhéawa clapped for the elf.

"That's not what happened though," Áhéawa said, sticking her tongue out at Legolas before jumping out of the tree and running home.

"So, what's the moral of the story, Legolas?" Eldarion asked.

"Ummmm, Fortune Favors the Brave?" Legolas said.

"Good enough," Eldarion replied.

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Soo, how does Pt. 2 compare?


	3. My Strongest Suit

**Every Story is a Love Story**

**by**

**Draco's Daughter**

**Disclaimer:** Lord of the Rings, in any shape or form, is not my creation. That belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I have to say this so that the Tolkien's will not descend upon my head like eagles onto an innocent bunny.

Love to all of the reviewers! You guys are awesome and make me want to write many more of these Jester Tales. Now Individual love:

CopperFang: Thank you for reviewing both chapters in succession. You are awesome. In your first review you thought you knew who the jester is. It may turn out to be different than you think. Elrond's Eyebrows of Doom are not my original idea, many people think that his eyebrows are evil and I agree, very much. Ahh, that Jester, he is very naughty indeed. I must to punish him! (Jester: ((covering in corner)) I'll be good! Make it stop! Make it stooop!)

Luthien and Tari Oronar: A nonexistent donkey? Hmm, maybe your dreams are trying to tell you something... like become a Republican?

FFAMasquerade2005: Thank you Kim, parts two and three are for people like you who care.

Faerlas: Thankies, thankies.

Sarahbarr17: Shhhhhh! Don't tell Elrond! He'll kill me and Lego-kun! ((Begs)) Ah yes, since his introduction to the twenty-first century, said elven prince has decided to ahem "update" his vocabulary.

Tinewen: As said in above reply, Elrond's evil eyebrows aren't my idea I just liked it allot. I also don't know witch one was better because they are my stories... my children! (sniff)

Legolas's Girl 9: Well, I'm glad that I'm not the only one that finds these stories funny! Yaaaay! (does a little dance)

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Story Three: My Strongest Suit

Another day of Legolas's stay in Gondor, today the elf was in its vast library pouring over books and scrolls. He was having a moment of peaceful thinking, the first he had gotten during his trip, and thought he might be able to take a short 'nap' while appearing to be reading when Eldarion burst in. The child was wanting yet another Court Jester tale from the mighty elf prince.

"Legolas! Are there any more stories about the Court Jester you haven't told me?" the little prince of Gondor asked. Legolas looked lost in thought and then shameful as the librarian shushed the prince.

"Well, there's one I know of that may be on interest. Pull up a chair and settle in," Legolas replied, offering the librarian a small smile. She sighed and walked off, shelving books. Eldarion did as he was told. Legolas reclined in his chair as the smiled to himself. "Now, in this story we have an extremely vain steward, named Denathor, and his son Faramir, the Jester, and Gimli are planning to teach him a lesson in true beauty."

"This is going to be good, I can tell," Eldarion said with a smile of gleeful anticipation.

Once Upon a Time...

In the king-less land of Gondor there lived a steward, named Denathor, who had two sons. One son, Boromir the favored, has gone off to Imladris and later had been slain by Uruk-Hai. Now he only had Faramir, whom he wished had now gone in Boromir's place. This was always causing problems in the family.

"What had happened to the momma?" Eldarion asked.

"She had died some years earlier," Legolas explained.

"Oh."

At that moment, Arwen came into the library, looking for Eldarion. She came across the elf prince and her son.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"Sit down momma! You're just in time to hear a Jester story!" Eldarion replied, hopping up to give his mother a seat. Arewn sat down and Eldarion climbed into her lap. Legolas looked slightly embarrassed, well as embarrassed as an elf could be, before clearing his throat and beginning again.

Now, Denathor was always buying expensive clothing with the kingdom's taxes. This made many people, including Faramir, extremely angry but, because Denathor was cruel and heartless, there was nothing they could do about it. One day, Faramir decided that he would play a trick on his father. To do this he called upon his friends, the Court Jester and Gimli.

"Wait, how did Faramir know those two? And who is this Jester?" Arewn asked.

"Well, you weren't here for the last story so I won't explain. And the Jester is a friend of mine," Legolas explained.

"Legolas don't like interruptions, momma. Shhh!" Eldarion said, putting a finger to his lips.

"Doesn't, Eldarion. Legolas doesn't like interruptions," Arwen corrected.

"Don't, doesn't. They're just words! Now hush, both of you!" Legolas said, crossing his arms in mock pout. "Or I won't tell the story and head on back to Mirkwood where we are quite confident in our grammar skills." Eldarion and Arwen hushed in reply.

Now, Denathor was wanting a new set of clothing, even though he had plenty of nice clothes to ware already.

"Father, I have heard of two new tailors that are quite efficient, they once catered to the Emperor of Harad," Faramir said when his father was asking which tailors to commission his new clothing from.

"Hmm, for once I think that you may be right Taramir," Denathor said, taking a drink from his jewel encrusted goblet.

"Faramir, father," Faramir corrected.

"Whatever."

And so, Faramir brought the Court Jester and Gimli to the palace the very next morning. Denathor and the couriers were surprised at their appearance. No one considered that these two were the greatest tailors in all Middle-earth. Of course, the court was laughing at the Jester's jingling clothing.

"Hey, that's rude. He's just a dwarf," The jester said, pointing to Gimli, totally oblivious to what the court was really laughing at.

"Get back here you insane Jester," Gimli said, pulling the Jester back by one of the belled strips of his tunic. "Why couldn't you just have changed into something more professional?"

"Well, are you two really the tailors my son, Caramir, has told me of? He claims that you both served the emperor of Harad," Denathor asked.

"Yes, my lord. We weave cloth that is softer than silk, more luxurious than fur, and it holds the power to show you which of your subjects are wise and which are fools," The Jester said, stepping forward again, jingling again. None of the court laughed that time for Denathor looked interested.

"What would a suit of that material cost me?" Denathor asked.

"Three bags of gold and several spools of golden thread," The Jester said with his trademark mischievous grin on his face. Gimli gave him a look that clearly stated: "Are you mad?"

"Excellent, you shall have what you need and whatever else you require," Denathor said, happily. The Jester smiled and bowed before grabbing Gimli and heading out the palace door. Once they were back on the sixth level, Gimli began to question his friend's sanity.

"Are you crazy? We can't weave!" Gimli exclaimed.

"I know, we won't have to. Remember what I said about a cloth that will show Denathor who is a fool and who is wise? Well, the cloth doesn't even exist so everyone's a fool! We just have to pretend that there's something there," The Jester explained. Gimli didn't know whether to kiss him or kill him. He decided that a kiss on the forehead was sufficient.

"You're a marvel! Well, let's go get started," Gimli replied, they then waked off with a confidence unmatched save by Aragorn himself. So, the two started work on the cloth. They worked on looms, not producing a single garment but running through thread like water.

Several days later, Denathor had not seen a single piece of cloth from the two tailors or any garments. He then sent Faramir and his wisest minister to see the cloth. All Faramir could do was smile as they went into the home that the Jester and the Gimli had taken up resident in. The two were hard at "work" weaving away, they only looked up with Faramir and the Minster walked in.

"Ello, governor, come to give me my pay check?" The Jester asked, looking up from his work and smiling mischievously.

"No, my father has sent me and this minister to see how the work is coming along. I really like the patterns you done so far, very beautiful, wouldn't you agree?" Faramir said, looking at the nonexistent cloth and turning to the minister. The minister saw nothing but did not want Denathor and Faramir to know that he was an idiot like the jester so... he lied.

"Oh yes, Faramir, I quite agree. I think lord Denathor may pay you more for this beautiful cloth," He lied, smiling the whole time. The three co-conspirators smiled secretly to one another, their trick was already working. So Faramir and the minister returned to the palace and reported on the pair's work.

Several weeks later, the Jester and Gimli returned the fabric they had made in their hands. Denathor didn't see a thing but he didn't want to let his court know that he was a fool.

"Ah yes, this is the perfect cloth! The patterns are splendid, very splendid," Denathor said, The Jester and Gimli just smiled.

"Then, my lord, we shall take measurements to make your garments," Gimli said, still smiling. Denathor nodded and allowed the two to take the required arrangements. In twenty-four hours Denathor had a new outfit that was unreal. The Jester and Gimli did the final fitting before taking all their money and leaving town with a final goodbye to Faramir.

Now Denathor had arranged a big procession a few weeks earlier, not knowing the outcome of the tailors' work. He was wearing the new outfit and sitting on a horse in just his underpants as they went through all seven levels of the city. All the way people sarcastically talked about the "beautiful patterns" and such of the fabric.

In a fit of frustration a young child said, "Why isn't lord Denathor wearing anything?" That was when Denathor realized the lesson he had been taught buy Gimli and the Jester.

After all was said and done he finally stopped buying extravagant outfits and spent the tax on the war with Sauron.

"The end," Legolas said.

"What a fantastic moral, I shall have to listen to more of these stories and record them for future generations," Arewn commented. Legolas nearly fell out of his chair.

"No, milady! There's no need for them to be in print. They're word-of-mouth only," Legolas stammered. He didn't want the public knowing about his silly stories told out of desperation to calm a young prince.

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Well? What does everyone think?

Help Me

If you would like to see more of these Jester tales, please give me some ideas about which fairy tales to parody and how the jester could fit in. I'm thinking of doing "Six Able Bodied Men" next but after that I'm out of ideas. Please submit your favorite fairy tales and help me out! Thanks, guys.


	4. Elaborate Lives

**Every Story is a Love Story**

**by**

**Draco's Daughter**

**Disclaimer:** How many times do I have to say that this isn't mine? Only the jester belongs to me. (huggles the Jester tightly. Jester: Nyooooo! Lemme gooooo!)

Thanks everyone for reviewing and sending in your fav fairy tales! I just wanna ask who else has seen "The Brother's Grimm" yet? I loved that movie! It rocked! The jester enjoyed it too! Alright now that that shameless plug is over: This story goes out to CopperFang, luv ya!

Love to the Reviewers:

CopperFang: Thanks a whole lot! I hadn't even considered Cinderella!

Legolas's Girl9: I might take another stab at Rapunzel, but I sorta did that one for the first chapter. But since that one was a dream of mine, it might not count. Does it count? (keeps wondering for a few hours) I'd need to brush up on my LOTR history though. I scored a 3 out of 100 on my last LOTR first age test... ;P

FFAMasquerade2005: Hey, Kim, glad to see you again! I'm familiar with Puss in Boots but I don't know the story well. I might have to go pick up a copy of the book. Little Red Riding Hood could work... since you and Copperfang suggested it I might try that one next.

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Elaborate Lives

On Legolas's fourth day of his stay in Gondor, his fangirls had finally caught up with him. They had been pursuing him for the last three days, nearly catching him on the second day when he fell out of that tree but Eldarion had been his getaway excuse. Today, when they found him, he had no excuse so they got him involved in a game known as "Ride the Pony". All the players, and one PO'ed elf prince stood in a circle. One person was in the center, moving around the circumference of the circle as if they were riding a horse. Now it was Legolas's unluckiness to be chosen to ride the pony next. He tried to hide his displeasure but it was getting more and more difficult.

"Ride, ride, ride that pony. Ride, ride, ride that pony! This is how we do it!" The circle chanted. The girl in the center stopped her "pony" in front of Legolas and they began going through the motions to exchange their places. "Front, front front that pony. Back, back, back that pony. Side, side, side that pony. This is how we do it!" Thus Legolas began moving around the circle like he was riding a pony. He felt true embarrassment this time, a rare occurrence for an elf. If he could blush then he would be bright red but because he was an elf, he only wanted to get away from these insane girls and get back into the safety of his guest chamber where he could sulk as only an elf can sulk. His saving grace arrived just before he had to pick the girl who would now have to ride the pony.

"LEGOLAS!" Was the desperate call of Eldarion. Legolas perked up, anything was better than playing this insane game with these crazy girls, even telling Eldarion another Jester story.

"Thank Eru!" Legolas burst through the group of girls to great protest to grab Eldarion, slinging the child over his shoulder, and racing back to the palace faster than he ever ran during the chase of the orcs to regain Merry and Pippin. Once they reached the palace, Legolas set Eldarion down and caught his breath.

"Wow! I've never done anything like that!" Eldarion said, hopping around the elf prince, hyper as a young child should be.

"I should be thanking you, Eldarion. You saved me from those insane girls that were back there. I owe you a Jester Tale for that," Legolas replied, smiling at the young prince. Eldarion smiled too, looking up at the elf.

"Yay! I am loved!" He said happily, hugging Legolas.

"Let's head into my guest chambers, we'll be safer in there," Legolas said, talking Eldarion's hand and leading the young prince into the palace. They headed up a few fleets of stairs before reaching Legolas's guest room. The two princes went inside as Eldarion jumped on the couch and Legolas let himself gracefully fall into the chair facing it. "Now, this story is about a hobbit. You know what a hobbit is, right?" Eldarion shook his head vigorously. "Ah, you're smarter than I was at your age. Well, this story is about a certain hobbit called Frodo. Start me off Eldarion."

"Once upon a time," Eldarion began.

Once Upon A Time

In the lands of Middle-earth, in an area known as the Shire there lived a hobbit named Sam. He was the son of the old Gaffer. They both worked for another hobbit named Bilbo, but that's irrelevant information at this point in time. Now, Sam had a crush on the hobbit bar maid Rosie but never wanted to admit it. He always watched as other hobbits went after Rosie but never flirted with her himself.

"Legolas?" Eldarion began. The elf prince merely raised one eyebrow and Eldarion stopped, remembering Legolas's one rule: Never interrupt the story.

One day there was to be a great party to celebrate the 111th birthday of Bilbo Baggins. Everyone who was anyone would be there.

"Gaffer? Can I go to Bilbo's birthday?" Sam asked his old Gaffer. The old Gaffer merely smiled.

"We weren't invited Sam, I may be Bilbo's gardener but he didn't think to send an invitation," Was the Gaffer's reply. This made Sam extremely sad and so he went out into the garden to cry and plant flowers. As he was planting and crying there came a large group of bubbles.

"Your fallen tears have called to me, so here comes my sweet remedy," was the sound of a woman's voice before an arrow came and shot down said woman.

"This is MY gig fairy godmum! Hahahahahaha!" Was the laugh of the now infamous Jester as he celebrated his shot. "I did it! I did it!" Gimli then came up and smacked the Jester on the head with his axe.

"To work, you fool! There's little time for it with your horsing around!" Was Gimli's grumble. The Jester let a few tears fall as he rubbed his head where Gimli's axe made contact. He then cleared his Jester throat before holding his head high and striding into the garden.

"Excuse me, young hobbit, I'm looking for a Samwise Gamgee. I take it you are he?" The Jester asked in the most professional voice he knew.

"Well, yeah, but what do you want with me?" Sam asked, wondering if this insane man would shoot him like he had shot down the woman.

"I am the Jester, your new Fairy Godfather," The Jester replied, smiling a huge smile that indicated trouble was to come.

"He's been wanting this job for weeks, tracking fairy godmothers and seeing if their missions are done or not. You're the first test of his new magical talents," Gimli said, obviously annoyed at the Jester. "Hush Gimli, now little Samwise. You wanna go to the party, correct?" Sam shook his head. "You wanna impress Rosie who will be there, right?" Sam shook his head again. "You wanna fall in love with Rosie?" Sam shook his head. "You wanna do unspeakable things with her?" Sam shook his head again. "Then listen to me, fetch an apple, Gimli you locate a squirrel, and I'll sit here and look pretty!" The Jester announced, clapping his hands as the two set off to locate their things and the Jester sat on the fence and did exactly like he said he would do.

"Legolas, why does the Jester wanna be Sam's Fairy Godfather?" Eldarion asked.

"It's been his fondest dream since he was a little elfling," Legolas replied, wiping a non-existent tear from his eye.

So thus Sam returned with the apple and Gimli came back with a very ferocious squirrel. The Jester clapped his hands merrily and stood.

"Emkay, now I say the magic words, Bibbity-boobity-boobies!" The Jester said, waving his hands over Sam's apple. It shook before turning into a carriage just the right size for a hobbit.

"Well, that turned out better than what I thought it would," Gimli commented. The Jester smiled before it set in then scowled at the dwarf a few minutes later.

"Hey now! Don't be dissin the elf's power! I could turn you into a toad if I wished," The Jester replied. "Now I say the other magic words: Abrakabbra!" He waved his hands over the squirrel and it turning into a fine white pony for the carriage.

"Awww! I love him! I shall call him George!" Sam said as he hugged the pony's nose. Gimli hitched the pony to the carriage while the Jester thought for a moment.

"Carriage, check, pony, check. What's missing? Oh yeah," The Jester waved his hands over Sam and the garments he was wearing turned into a fine suit for the party. Fine wooden clogs appeared on Sam's feet.

"Umm, Mister Jester, sir. Us hobbits don't ware shoes," Sam said, pulling on the Elf's belled clothing.

"Hm, that's a problem, well. If we want this fairy tale to work out, you have to ware the clogs, no ifs, ans, or buts," The Jester said, crossing his arms.

"Alright, just this once then," Sam said climbing into the carriage.

"Oh yeah, one last thing. Be back here before midnight because in the Fairy Godfather handbook it says that's how long my magic is supposed to last. Don't know why," The Jester said.

"Well, that's not very fair, now, is it?" Sam asked.

"Hey! I don't make the rules, I just follow 'em," The Jester said, putting his hands up in a defensive gesture.

"Well, go and have some fun then. Bring us back some cake," Gimli said before giving George the pony's rump a slap. The carriage lurched off at a steady pace

"You're right, that was hilarious to get that little hobbits hopes up. I wanna do it again some day!" Was the Jester's merry statement.

"Let's go, we've a long way to go to get home," Gimli said before both started trogging off in the opposite direction from where they had sent Sam.

So thus Sam arrived at Bilbo's party in style. Nobody recognized him for both the suit and the clogs. Everyone stood in silence as he stepped out of the carriage. Slowly he walked up to Rosie, a new confidence within him. They then began to dance and dance and dance. They danced right though Bilbo's speech and disappearance but when the clock began to strike Midnight, Sam ran. Thus slipping one foot out of the clogs the Jester had given him. He nearly jumped into the carriage and raced off. Unfortunately, midnight struck and the carriage was once more an apple and the pony was a squirrel. Sam gave a heavy sigh and headed on home.

A few days later, Rosie set off on a personal quest to find the owner of the clog. She stopped at every hobbit hole to find the owner. Merry and Pippin both tired to squish their feet into the clog but it was a bit too small for them. Frodo attempted as well but it was a bit too big. Finally Rosie came to Sam and when it fit she knew she had the right hobbit.

A year or so later they were married and started having kids as all hobbits do. The Jester was never seen around the Shire again.

"Emmmkay, so what's the moral?" Eldarion asked, obviously bored by the non-action ending.

"Uh, we all lead Elaborate lives?" Legolas suggested. Eldarion nodded his head in agreement.

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I know, boring, eh? I was running out of couples to do, now I'm going to go back and start over again with Arwen and Aragorn. Happy Labor Day to my readers in the U.S.!

Please keep giving me whatever fairy tales you love!


	5. The Filler

**Every Story is a Love Story**

**by**

**Draco's Daughter**

**Disclaimer: **Lord of the Rings isn't mine. Only the Jester.

Legolas: Hi everybody! DD's getting used to a new laptop and so all of her fics will be down for a while.

The Jester: This actually means that she's had a motherboard crash and now has to start alllll over again! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! (gets hit over the head by Legolas)

Legolas: Yes, well. She has to go to the computer people and get all of the files from the old computer placed upon the new one. Sounds fun, huh? The sad part, all of her games are lost to the four winds. She must also regain her copy of Photoshop elements from her friend, Jenny, so that she may begin working on art again. Alas, I knew that soda pop was evil...

Jester: Well, at least we get to have fun! (Legolas and the Jester start dancing idiotically)

Legolas: (stops) Now! Here is the never before seen random LOTR song for everybody! DD came up with it by putting together the first lines of the songs from Aurthur Rakin and Bass's idiotic animated LOTR's. And, shhhh, one from Bakshi! Bwahahahaha!

A/N: It may take a few weeks before everything's back to normal with my fics and art and stuff. It's been four days since I've even typed anything! I had stories that I wasn't even ready to release yet on that computer! I shall NEVER have a coke around the computer again! (swears by the river Styx)

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The end of the ring, the return of the king. Where there's a whip, there's a way. It's so easy, not to try. Roads go ever, ever on. The greatest adventure! Frodo of the nine figners and the ring of doom. Heave, ho, splash, plop, rollin down the hole. The streams shall run in gladness. Fifteen birds, in five fir trees. Down, down to Goblin town! The dragon is whithered. Oh, tra, la, la lally, here down in the valley. Beyond the misty mountains cold. There is an inn, a merry old in. The wearer of the ring, the bearer of the ring. You are standing at the feet of the towers of the teeth. That's what Bilbo Baggins hates! The cracks of doom...

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A/N: Yeah, that's it. The whole song.


	6. Easy as Life

**Every Story is a Love Story**

**by**

**Draco's Daughter**

**Disclaimer: **I lay no claim whatsoever to the works of the Mighty and Powerful J.R.R. Tolkein. The Jester belongs to me though! Yaaay!

Thanks, guys, for all of your support while I get everything back on-line. You guys rock.

Copperfang: Thanks for the comfort. Yes, coke is evil but it is a necessary one... like school! I've never heard of this promise you've suggested though. I swore by the River Styx because it is the River of Unbreakable Oath in Greek Mythology.

Legolas's Girl9: I've had a motherboard crash once before and that time I got NOTHING back, but my fic writing was in its infancy back then and thus those fics did NOT deserve to see the light of day. The only one that's salvageable is "The Real Duel Monsters".

Tinewen: It's okay! We all forget things from time to time, even reviews. I can't really talk, seeing as I can't really remember what happened yesterday let alone a few weeks ago! XD As for your question about the Jester and Legolas... I haven't figured their relationship out myself and I'm the author! (Legolas: Evil twin! Jester: Alter ego!) Yes, well, since the Chapter filler is outside of the normal LOTR Realm, the two can appear together: laughs evilly: Sam and Rosie have 12 dollars? That's like...: does calculations in Scientific calculator: 10,000,000 in today's money! XD Sorry, I suppose you meant "daughters" instead of "dollars", right? At least, I hope you did!

: holds arms really wide: I love all my reviewer's THIS much! Okay, this tale is a blending of Jim Henson's "The Luck Child" and a story in "The Annotated Brother's Grimm" called "The Devil and his Three Golden Hairs."

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**Easy as Life**

On one of the last days of his stay in Gondor, Legolas was slowly combing through his trademark blonde locks and humming a wordless nonsense tune that did not belong to any song or poem. Thus was his favorite part of the day, it not only served to wake him up, but also got his mind running, which was exactly what he needed as a certain dark-headed princeling crept into the room. Eldarion's intentions were not evil, he just did not know you NEVER disturbed an elf when they were grooming, it usually ended in screaming and yelling in various languages for half an hour. Then, you had to hide out and try not to be noticed by the elf you pissed off until they forget about you. It usually took a year or so, depending on how well the elf knew you and how mad you made him. In any case, Eldarion ran up behind Legolas and gave a great yell. The elf prince faltered then looked as if he had just been stabbed. Slowly the angry prince turned around to face the hyper Eldarion. One look at the young Gondorian prince and the elf's anger started melting. In the back of his mind he told himself: "DICIPLINE HIM!" over and over again but the front of his mind kept saying: "Awwwww! He's sooo cuuuuuteeee!" He didn't know weather to smack Eldarion upside the head or cuddle him, at that moment his shoulder angel and devil appeared.

"Legolas, why are you thinking of hurting the child? I mean, outer beauty isn't anything," The Legolas-angel asked, playing a few notes on his harp and fluttering his eagle-wings.

"Heh! Listen to that angelic crap! Eldarion interrupted YOUR time! He deserves whatever punishment you want to deal out to him! You know what yo daddy would do to you if you can in and disturbed him!" Was the answer of the Legolas-devil. The Legolas-angel put his hands on his hips in a pouting manner and stuck out his tongue in a very un-angelic fashion.

"You know that you're supposed to show a kind manner to children. It is what your mother taught you to do, seeing as you are a lady's man," The Legolas-angel said.

"Hey! No one mentions the "L" word around my man Legolas! You are going down angel-boy!" The Legolas-devil said before leaping at the Legolas-angel and fighting with him in a little cloud of dust in mid-air. Legolas sighed; he never could rely on those two. They NEVER gave him a good solution. So he decided to go with the stern yet loving approach.

"Eldarion, what in Eru's name could you be wanting at this hour?" Legolas asked in his stern voice. He knew the answer but begged Illuvatar that it wasn't what he thought it was.

"I would liiiiiiikeeeee," Eldarion began slowly with plenty of exaggerated vowels.

Inside Legolas as thinking: "Not a jester story! ANYTHING but a Jester story! Hell, why not a story about bunnies or kittens or maybe one from the war? Noooo! You had to go and tell him about the jester! Smaaart, elf prince. Very smart."

"I would like a Jester Story!" Eldarion sprang. Legolas's hopes sunk back to his ankles. He was now wished that he had never told Eldarion about the Jester. So the elf prince led Eldarion over to the small sitting area in his chamber.

"Alright, this one is a little different from the last few stories. In this story the Jester is still young and ready to take on the world by himself. He is about fifteen and has yet to meet Gimli also," Legolas explained.

"This is going to be the best Jester tale yet," Eldarion said, a grin forming on his face.

_Once upon a time….._

In a small kingdom there lived a certain elf. He was flamboyant and rash but, being the son of elf gypsies, that was to be expected. On one no-so-special day his family was slain by agents of Lord Celeborn, only he escaped because he had luck (and a trick or two). Eventually he found a miller and his wife that could be his parents for a time. This elf soon became known only as "the Jester" for his comical ways. One day, Celeborn came to the mill, inspecting harvests and collecting taxes. Of course, the Jester brimmed with hatred but tried not to show it, best not to press his luck too far.

"Is that boy yours? Celeborn asked the miller near the end of the inspection. He had realized exactly who the jester was related to and knew that the Jester must die for this relation.

_"Legolas, what did the Jester's family do the make Celeborn kill them?" Eldarion asked. Legolas quickly thought. That was the one part he hadn't managed to come up with yet. _

_"You know what I said about the fact that they were elf-gypsies? Well, elf-gypsies practice magic and some people don't think that's a good thing to do," Legolas explained. _

"No, sir, he was a foundling, or should I say he was a 'comeling' seeing as he found us," the miller said with a laugh. Celeborn gave a small false-laugh to cover his hatred.

"Well, I need him to take a message to the Lady Galadriel for me, I'll give you two gold pieces for his service," Celeborn said.

"Of course, milord. We live only to serve you," The miller said with a bow. Celeborn pulled out a quill and parchment and wrote a quick note. He then carefully folded and sealed it before handing it over to the Jester.

"I trust you know your way to the palace," Celeborn said, a sneer forming around his lips.

"Yes, milord," The Jester spat back. So the Jester set off in a hurry, he wanted to complete this task and get on with his life.

Not far from the mill was a forest that many people got lost in. Some say that there was a spell placed upon it by an elf witch, but that had long been dismissed as dwarfish superstition. Nah, it actually was the fault of the border guards that were lead by Haldir. So thus our Jester was walking into a trap and fell into a hole. HE landed right in the home of Haldir the march warden. Of course, Haldir was underappreciated so he was forced to do the housework and prepare dinner.

"Hey now! Who in Hell are you!" Haldir yelled, wielding the spoon he had been using to stir dinner. Of course, the Jester was cowering in the corner.

"Well, ahem, I'm the Jester and I'm on a mission to deliver a letter to Lady Galadriel," The Jester explained, straightening up and trying to appear confident.

"Well, I'm afraid you've fallen among the guards of Lothlorien, her wood. You'll not live long once my fellow guards come home," Haldir said.

"I don't care," The Jester replied, looking around for an exit.

"Well, have a bite to eat while I decide what to do with you," Haldir said, dishing out some of what he was cooking and seasoning it with what appeared to be pepper. The Jester sniffed at it, then began eating quickly. After a bit, he fell right over in a stupor. "Ha! You see! I'm the cook, but also the poisoner, and the nastiest of the guards. Now, I'll make sure that this letter will never reach Galadriel, lady of light!" As he took the letter and read it, he saw that it was no good and terrible. "This letter is no good and terrible! 'Dearest Galadriel, when you receive this letter of it have the bearer chopped into a thousand pieces. Do this without delay, Celeborn. Now, I can't sit by with this going on."

Now, Haldir is also excellent at forgeries and by the time our Jester has woken up, he's been moved to a spot where he can see the edge of Celeborn's kingdom. He thinks nothing of it and heads off into the morning light. Soon he finds himself within Galadriel's presence and becoming extremely freaked out by it. But he hands Galadriel the letter and watches her expression change from shock to disbelief to anger. Very soon he finds himself meeting Celeborn's daughter, Celebrain, and being squeezed by her in an affectionate way. He did not understand what in the name of Illuvatar was going on... until Celeborn came home.

"Why in the world would you wish for our only daughter to marry that FOOL!" Galadriel yelled at her husband, transforming into that really freaky green-ish, grey alter-ego.

"I never said that! What's going on! Jester, you had something to do with it!" Celeborn yelled, turning on the Jester (who was being squeezed breathless by Celebrain).

"Never would I want to tie myself down to anyone! Not at this age, at lest! Please tell me there's something I can do to call the wedding off! Anything! Chop wood for a year, tell stories every night, and steal from Dwarves! ANYTHING!" The Jester pleaded, taking hold of Celeborn's robes.

"Anything?" Celeborn and Galadriel asked in unison.

"ANYTHING!" The Jester whined.

"What about getting Smaug's golden scale?" Celeborn asked, sly as ever.

"I'll get that scale! At any cost!" The Jester announced heroically. He set off that very night. To get to Smaug's lair of the Lonely Mountain, he had to pass through Mirkwood and Laketown. In Mirkwood he ran into some elves.

"Excuse me, but why does everything look bleak here?" The Jester asked.

"Well, it is MIRKwood! But, really, we can't get any fire to light here," One replied.

"Well, I see what I can do about that when I get back, don't worry," The Jester announced, all heroic. When he reached Laketown he ran into some men.

"Why is it so wet here?" He asked one of them.

"Well, it is LAKEtown, after all. But, we can't farm on the land," The man replied.

"Well, I'll see what I can do when I get back, okay?" The Jester said before continuing. He then had to pass over long lake, and ran into a very funny-looking ferry-man.

"You're funny-looking," The Jester announced. "Can you take me across?"

"We goes across with or without the elf, precious," The ferry-man replied. He was called Gullom.

"Why?" The Jester asked.

"We don't know, now do we precious? No, gullom, gullom. We goes across, precious," Gullom said.

"Well, I'll find out for you," The Jester announced happily.

"Okay, precious, but precious knows that silly elf will not come back, silly elf will die in the mountain, yes precious," Gullom said, shaking his head. The Jester inched away as the boat came to a stop at the mountain's roots. The Jester jumped out and headed up the mountain. When he got inside, he ran into Haldir.

"Well, hello. I didn't expect to see you ever again," Haldir said, trying to be pleasant.

"Why are you here?" The Jester asked.

"Well, Smaug flew by and ate my fellow guards, only my cooking saved me. But, he'll eat you if he finds you so go hide," Haldir said, hearing Smaug returning.

"Well, I need the answers to three questions as well as Smaug's golden scale," The Jester said.

"I'll find out for you and get that scale in the process. Don't worry, HIDE idiot!" Haldir said as Smaug came in. He roared with all his might and settled down on his pile of gold.

"Were is my dinner?" He asked, forcefully. Haldir offered a pot of old scraps.

"It's all I could come up with, you're magnificence!" Haldir said.

"It'll do," Smaug replied, taking the pot from Haldir and draining its contents in one gulp.

"How about a scratch? Would you like that, my master?" Haldir asked. Smaug inclined his head as he reclined on his back. Haldir began scratching the Dragon's large chest, all the while going for the gold scale on his right breast. "I was wondering, why can't anyone in Mirkwood get a fire going?"

"That's easy, their wood's always wet," Smaug replied, smug as could be. He always enjoyed proving that he was smarter than Haldir.

"Alright, then why can't the men of Laketown farm on the land?" Haldir asked.

"Not enough water in the soil," Smaug answered.

"Okay, then why does that strange little man have to row the boat from here to Laketown and back?" Haldir asked.

"Oh, he's cursed to do so until someone else takes his pole from him," Smaug said. At this point, Haldir pulled out the Golden scale and was tossed off Smaug and slid to near where the Jester was hiding. He handed the Jester the scale as Smaug fumed. "You know I don't like things pulled! What are you trying to do? Get me killed?"

"More or less," Haldir said under his breath.

"What was that, slave?" Smaug asked.

"I said, no Milord," Haldir lied. Smaug smiled smugly before going to sleep. The Jester snuck out and gave the answers to Gullom, Laketown, and Mirkwood. He presented the scale to Celeborn and got the marriage called off, much to Celebrain's dismay. The Jester was also able to present Celeborn with gold, gifts from Mirkwood and Laketown.

"Where did you get this?" Celeborn asked.

"Lonely Mountain," The Jester replied. So one night Celeborn went to Laketown and hopped on Gullom's boat. Unfortunately, Gullom wasn't rowing fast enough for him.

"Why can't you go any faster?" Celeborn asked, impatient.

"Oh, nice elf lord. Maybe he can row faster, perhaps we wonders. Does nice elf lord want to take pole from good Sméagol?"

_Celeborn was never heard from again while the Jester became more and more renowned for his talents. It was the beginning of a long and successful career. _

"Yay!" Eldarion cheered as Legolas breathed a sigh of relief.

_The End_

_----------------------------_

Thanks for reading! Please submit your fav fairy tales and how the Jester can fit in to help me with this saga!


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